Greetings from the Uncanny Valley (Odds & Ends)

Recently, I met a member of the Single Action Shooting Society(^). Members of the SASS target shoot in competitions, dress in period clothing, use period weapons, and answer to a "Western" name that they adopt which is unique to each member. Calamity Rabbit has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?

The fellow I met was very nice, taking time to explain everything to me, including the fact that about 40% of their members locally are women. Wow.

Simply put, single action weapons are those that have to be cocked before each shot, i.e., the hammer has to be pulled back before each round is fired. The trigger performs a single action when it is pulled (it drops the hammer). Cowboys in the Wild West (and everyone else) fired single action weapons before double-action weapons were invented.

I'm considering joining the SASS in the spring. It sounds fascinating; combing my love of sewing (costuming), history, and target practice. We'll have to see if I can find the time. How neat would it be to research and sew (and then wear) an authentically styled Western costume?

I was reminded of SASS when I saw something interesting about Annie Oakley recently. Annie Oakley was an amazing woman, accomplished in areas that were dominated by men at a time when women were generally afforded very few options.

As a young girl, Annie hunted and sold what she shot to help her widowed mother get by. She was so successful that she was eventually able to pay off her mother's mortgage.

Annie met her eventual husband, traveling show marksman Frank Butler when he placed a bet with a hotel owner for $100.00 (a whole lot of money in 1881) that he (Frank) could beat any local marksman. The hotelier got Annie to compete and she won. She and Frank were married the next year. When she died, at age 66, Frank, unable to bear life without her, refused to eat and died 18 days later.

She was an early promoter of women in combat roles, and once wrote a letter to President William McKinley offering the the services of a company of 50 'lady sharpshooters' to the government if there was a war with Spain. There was a war, of course, but McKinley never took her up on her offer.

Annie was an amazing shot; she could split a playing card edge-on and put several holes in it before it hit the ground with a .22 caliber rifle at 90 feet. She earned the title of Little Sure Shot of the Wild West from her days touring with Buffalo Bill Cody.

This was Annie Oakley as people would have seen her on posters advertising the Wild West Show:



and this was Annie Oakley as she looked in life:


And this, which I found when I was researching something else this week, is Annie Oakley on film:



How spiffy is that? First, it's Annie Oakley. Who hasn't heard of her? And second, it's one of the earliest Edison Kinetoscopes know to exist.

(Kinetoscope)

And then there's this, which is completely unrelated but spiffy nonetheless:

A couple of nights ago, Dan and I were watching The Polar Express, based on the book of the same name. The movie is about a boy who isn't sure he believes in Santa anymore. On Christmas Eve he finds a steam locomotive outside his door, and once aboard, he travels with other children to the North Pole to see Saint Nicholas. It's a sweet movie, and we enjoyed it, for the most part.

Not everyone did, however. It didn't review well(^) when it was released, and a large part of why seems to be because reviewers(^) felt that the characters were creepy and unreal-seeming.

Before we went to bed for the evening, I searched for the film online, and read about how it was made, using motion capture technology. Motion capture records the movement of the actors and uses computers to translate "real" movement into the movement of characters onscreen. It allows for more realistic human action on film.

And that is a huge potential problem. There is a hypothesis, put forth by Japanese roboticist Masahiro Mori, that states that when robots are made to seem more human, humans (that's us) will respond with more empathy toward them. In other words, we'll like them better the more they seem to be like us. So, we will like a robot with two arms, two legs and a head better than a mechanical box with crane-like arms, no legs and no head.

But, the theory goes, as robots approach being indistinguishable from humans, they will cross over from cute and become repulsive to us.

For example:

The robot from Lost in Space(^) seems fine to most of us. He has two arms, two legs, a head, and a metallic voice. We recognize him as being human enough to elicit empathy.
(and)
A robot (or human facsimile in a film or elsewhere) that is indistinguishable from humans will be fine because we won't be able to tell the difference. If it seems human in every single way, we won't know the difference, and it won't bother us.
(but)
Somewhere in between Lost in Space and the indistinguishable robot of the future is the repulsive middle. It looks human, it acts human, but something is a little off and we humans know it. It will be uncanny, foreign yet familiar.

That gap between the Lost in Space robot or perhaps the Maria robot from the 1927 Fritz Lang masterpiece Metropolis and the Robot of the Future is the Uncanny Valley.

Robot Maria

Apparently, many reviewers found that the characters in The Polar Express fell within the realm of the Uncanny Valley(^). They found the characters looked slightly off and that unnerved some viewers.

We didn't find them creepy, exactly, but did find ourselves trying to figure out which actions were motion capture and which were straight up animation, and that definitely detracted from the movie.

Won't it be interesting when robots become indistinguishable? We won't know what we don't know, I guess.

Other links I've found in the last few days:

• Google has found that certain search terms used by the public are a good indicator of the severity of the flu, and have placed this information in a handy chart here(^).
• If you've ever wondered what those additives or dyes in various food and makeup products are, here is Food Additives World(^), an informative website that describe what they are and what they're doing in your food and/or makeup.

And finally, some pictures from the last few days:

This is Mar-Belles. Not Marbles. Mar-Belles.
Dan and I named her Marbles, which we thought somehow went with Waffles, but the SuperCat immediately renamed her Mar-Belles, which sounds like a character from Gone With The Wind.
Mar-Belles acts like a little lady, so the name is apt.
She is just teeny tiny, and so sweet. She sleeps on my feet at night and comes and cuddles in the early morning. She tolerates the enthusiastic pets of little people, and has perfect manners.

This is Neh-neh. He doesn't have any other name. We've tried several times to give him other names, but Neh-neh is the only name that sticks. His hobbies include being the dog's very best friend in the whole world, repeatedly falling into the bathtub once it's full of water, and waking me up several times a night. He really is a cute little guy, and we love him, but wish he wouldn't try to play at 4:30 AM.

This is what you get when you try to use that teeny little video screen on the digital camera to take pictures instead of using the viewfinder.
This picture was supposed to be a shot of my snow-filled backyard.
What it is is a picture of a ceramic squirrel stuck into the jungle of plants on the shelf above my kitchen sink.
I don't have the greenest thumb in the world, but can grow various Aloe and Sansevieria (mother-in-law's tongue) plants until they are practically sentient.

More squirrely goodness.
This little guy holds measuring spoons in his tail and has googly eyes.
How awesome is that?
The white glare is from the snow outside.

Santa lights up at night when the rest of the lights go on, not that you'd notice because our shared lawn looks like Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade with all the inflatables.

Finally a bit of snow.
Not a lot of the it, and no pictures of the vast uninterrupted swaths I had meant to photograph earlier in the day, but snow nonetheless. This shows about a third of the inflatables in our immediate neighborhood.
Santa is lost in the crowd, but he's in there somewhere.

Namaste.

Current Mood: contemplative

I'm Beginning To See The Light

Duke Ellington and Joya Sherrill, 1944

I'm Beginning To See The Light

I never cared much for moonlit skies
I never wink back at fireflies
But now that the stars are in your eyes
I'm beginning to see the light

I never went in for afterglow
Or candlelight on the mistletoe
But now when you turn the lamp down low
I'm beginning to see the light

Used to ramble through the park
Shadowboxing in the dark
Then you came and caused a spark
That's a four-alarm fire now

I never made love by lantern-shine
I never saw rainbows in my wine
But now that your lips are burning mine
I'm beginning to see the light

Namaste.

Current Mood: content

Dance of the Sugarplum Fairy

::sigh::

When I posted several days ago, I had plans to write again either later that day or early the next morning. I did try to write then, but life intruded and we got terribly busy and all of my plans sort of went downhill from there and I really should schedule my time better, except that seems impossible sometimes with kids/pets/friends/crafting/cooking/the holidays/my wonderful husband, etc., and I want to be clear that I am not complaining, and am deeply grateful for that sort of "problem".

And aren't I the Queen of the run-on sentence?

So, without further ado, here is last week's post, today. Fresher than fresh!

When I was about six or so, my dad gave me a book of poems for children. I can only remember a few of the poems in the book; The Raven, by Edgar Allen Poe and The Duel, by Eugene Field. I liked The Raven, even though it was terribly scary, but I loved The Duel, because it was funny and silly.

I would imagine that most children have heard it, even if they may not know it by name. It starts like this:

The gingham dog and the calico cat
Side by side on the table sat;
'T was half-past twelve, and (what do you think!)
Nor one nor t' other had slept a wink!
The old Dutch clock and the Chinese plate
Appeared to know as sure as fate
There was going to be a terrible spat.
(I was n't there; I simply state
What was told to me by the Chinese plate!)

You can find the entire poem here(^) or download the book Love-Songs of Childhood, by Eugene Field(^) here at Project Gutenberg ( free - the book is many decades out of copyright).

Eugene Field wrote also wrote the poem Wynken, Blynken, and Nod(^), which starts off:

Wynken, Blynken, and Nod one night
Sailed off in a wooden shoe,—
Sailed on a river of crystal light
Into a sea of dew.
“Where are you going, and what do you wish?”
The old moon asked the three.
“We have come to fish for the herring-fish
That live in this beautiful sea;
Nets of silver and gold have we,”
Said Wynken,
Blynken,
And Nod.

I was reminded of Eugene Field and his poems when I thought of Clement Moore's A Visit from St. Nicholas(^), which begins:

’T WAS the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that ST. NICHOLAS soon would be there;
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads;

When I think of sugar plums, I think of Tchaikovsky's Nutcracker Ballet, of course, but also think of this poem by Eugene Field, The Sugar-Plum Tree (see where we're going with this?)

Have you ever heard of the Sugar-Plum Tree?
'T is a marvel of great renown!
It blooms on the shore of the Lollipop sea
In the garden of Shut-Eye Town;
The fruit that it bears is so wondrously sweet
(As those who have tasted it say)
That good little children have only to eat
Of that fruit to be happy next day.

When you've got to the tree, you would have a hard time
To capture the fruit which I sing;
The tree is so tall that no person could climb
To the boughs where the sugar-plums swing!
But up in that tree sits a chocolate cat,
And a gingerbread dog prowls below--
And this is the way you contrive to get at
Those sugar-plums tempting you so:

You say but the word to that gingerbread dog
And he barks with such terrible zest
That the chocolate cat is at once all agog,
As her swelling proportions attest.
And the chocolate cat goes cavorting around
From this leafy limb unto that,
And the sugar-plums tumble, of course, to the ground--
Hurrah for that chocolate cat!

There are marshmallows, gumdrops, and peppermint canes,
With stripings of scarlet or gold,
And you carry away of the treasure that rains
As much as your apron can hold!
So come, little child, cuddle closer to me
In your dainty white nightcap and gown,
And I 'll rock you away to that Sugar-Plum Tree
In the garden of Shut-Eye Town.

Sweet poem, right? But what are sugarplums? I had no idea until I looked them up. I vaguely thought that they might be something along the lines of an English boiled pudding or maybe candied plums, I wasn't really sure. So I went to the encyclopedia and... got two different answers.

Hundreds of years ago, sugarplums were small fruits, seeds or nuts, heavily candied with sugar (think: candied cherries in fruitcake). So candied plums were sort of right.

Now, though, and for some time, Sugarplums have come to mean dried fruit and nuts, chopped coarsely and mixed with spices and vanilla, then dredged in sugar. That's it.

Essentially, sugarplums are fruitcake without the cake; ideal for people who can't or don't eat wheat. I reviewed a couple dozen recipes before making my own, and ended up making mine with the fruit I would use to make fruitcake if I still baked with wheat. The only fruit I left out were the candied cherries, because they don't seem at home with the rest of the fruit I used.

Add them if you'd like, as well as any other fruit or nuts you prefer.

Sugarplums

1 cup almonds
1 cup pecans
½ cup dried cranberries
½ cup raisins
½ cup prunes
1 cup dates
1 cup apricots (which the SuperCat calls Leprechauns)
1 tablespoon vanilla
1 teaspoon cinnamon
½ teaspoon nutmeg
¼ teaspoon cloves
2 tablespoons candied ginger
(or) 1 teaspoon dried ginger
2 small seedless clementines (tangerines)
(or)
2 tablespoons orange liqueur
½ cup shredded coconut
sugar to coat (it took about ½ cup)
Optional: either add or substitute 1 scant tsp orange oil or orange extract for orange peel.

1). Chop nuts and dried fruit to a uniform small coarse size using a food processor or by hand, add to large bowl.
2). Peel tangerines, add pulp to bowl, reserve half of the peel.
3). Scrape the inside of the remaining peel to remove pith, then finely chop peel, and add to bowl.
4). Add spices and vanilla.
5). Add orange oil or orange extract if desired. We really like the flavor of orange and add both the peel and the orange oil, which can be found in the spice aisle.

Everything in the mixing bowl, ready to mix

6). Mix all with a spoon or your hands until thoroughly incorporated.
7). Roll into ¾ inch balls, dredge in sugar.

Sugarplums with vintage deer & cookie jars

Yield: Makes about 3 dozen sugarplums.

Close-up of finished sugarplums.
It took me only about 20 minutes to make a double batch (about 6 dozen).
They were quick and so delicious!

My test subject beloved husband, who likes fruitcake but loved the sugarplums.

He's almost always a good sport when it comes to trying out my recipes
(unless they have mayonnaise, which he will not eat).

Yay, he liked it!
Time for another one!

Namaste.
Current Mood: Busy in the kitchen

Seasonal Lolcat-y goodness

more animals

excuses, excuses, excuses

I had meant to blog Friday night, but while I was out running errands Friday afternoon, Dan was calling his parents and arranging a date with me for Saturday afternoon. When I got home, I discovered that they'd agreed to keep SuperCat for the afternoon and that we'd be able to spend several hours together.

How can a girl turn down a date with the best guy in the world?

I couldn't.

And so Friday night, instead of writing, I did a lot of the things I had planned to do Saturday morning like: clean the kitchen, and work on Christmas crafts. I was still behind when I finished, but I was behind when I started, so I think it all evened out somehow.

Saturday morning we took Supercat to her grandparents, where she stayed to help them decorate their massive fresh-from-the-snowy-forest Christmas tree and we left for lunch. There are a large handful of restaurants in their little town, but since I don't eat wheat, most were out of the question. We settled on Chili's.

Normally, I prefer non-chain restaurants, and I honestly didn't think Chili's had anything I'd be able to eat, and had already mentally decided on a plain salad (sigh), but once inside, was really surprised. First, they have a menu specifically for Celiacs, which changes frequently and how awesome was that? Second, they describe on the menu what needs to be done to tweak regular menu items so that they can be made safe. They did all of the hard work ahead of time.

For example: I know that croutons have wheat in them, so it's easy to ask for them to be left off, but if the waitstaff isn't well informed, it's difficult to figure out if say, the veggies are dusted with seasoning that has flour, or exactly what the salmon is crusted with. Instead, the waiter was super helpful, answered every question knowledgeably, and as a result we had a stress-free, leisurely meal. Here's Chili's allergen menu(^) (alert: it's a .pdf file), in case you ever wondered what people with food allergies do when they go out to eat.

The service and the food were both great. I had a salad, a steak and veggies, which were all prepared the way I had asked. Dan had the habanero ribs.

We split a frosty chocolate milkshake for dessert and laughed and talked about html standards and and funky conspiracy theories.

We talked about a port knocking application that showed up on my phone's marketplace. I always laugh when I hear the words, cause they sound vaguely obscene. What it really is: remotely opening external ports on a firewall by making connection attempts on certain closed ports. It's the computer geek version of knocking shave and a haircut to gain entry into the all-boys club. Enabling port knocking prevents hackers from getting in easily, because they can't knock on just one port (door) to get in. They have to knock on several to enter just one, and it has to be in the right sequence.

I also always giggle when he mentions "IPTables", the firewall in the Linux operating system, but which to me sounds like the sorts of names Bart makes up when he prank calls Moe's Tavern on The Simpsons. From the episode Some Enchanted Evening:

Moe: Moe's Tavern.
Bart: Hello, is Al there?
Moe: Al?
Bart: Yeah, Al. Last name: Coholic.
Moe: Lemme check... [calls] Phone call for Al. Al Coholic. Is there an "Alcoholic" here? [bar denizens laugh] Wait a minute...[to phone] Listen, you little yellow-bellied rat jackass, if I ever find out who you are, I'll kill ya!

IPTables reminds me of that. I need to grow up.

I took pictures of him while we chatted and ate. He doesn't always want his picture taken, but he's usually a pretty good sport about it:

Don't go toward the light! You'll miss lunch!

He finally gives in to the picture taking

After lunch... well, the small town where his parents live is just that: small. Not much to do, but we were committed to staying out for the several hours we'd booked, so we ended up at Wal*Mart, picking up a few small things, looking at all the electronic gadgetry, and marveling at the zillion-and-one flashy Christmas decorations. We made fun of the truly horrible Bratz Dolls (it looks like they are going away in January, don't cha know?(^), and saw what was new in sporting goods. We tried to find wooden skewers (they were out) and did find a new coffee maker to replace the old, busted coffee maker, and so on until it was time to check out and go get the SuperCat.

When we got there, SuperCat was so excited! She'd had a great time helping with the tree, and she had done a very good job. On the way home, she fell asleep, tuckered out.

We were happy, too. It's important to spend alone time together once in a while, even if it's just to walk around Wal*Mart and look at stationary and talk and pick out new coffee makers.

So that was Saturday.

Sunday I sewed. I sewed and sewed and sewed, mostly by hand, mostly small dolls for small doll houses for Christmas. I'd take pictures, but it's late and I'm tired and the light is bad.

I absolutely positively will tomorrow.

In the meantime, here's a picture of the parking lot at Target I took tonight while Dan ran in. It was 3 degrees below zero, and just starting to snow (again).

It felt bleak and dismal.

It looks like the set from Alien.
You know, when they're on the planet and find the alien for the first time?

Namaste.
Current Mood: (freezing)

The Buddhist Cow Says Mu

How can you possibly go wrong with a quiz that contains an awesome question like Do you like waffles? From the Thursday Thunks meme, on Friday morning (of course).



1. Do you like waffles?
I love waffles! There are really great gluten-free waffles on the market, made by Van's(^). Sometimes we make it using GF baking mix. I haven't made them from scratch yet. When I was still eating wheat I have to admit that the best waffles I ever made were made with Jiffy Mix(^) and the worst I ever made were made totally from scratch using the recipe in The Joy Of Cooking. They were way too greasy. Yuck.

The ones from Vans are great because they're, well, great - they taste like waffles, not too sweet or funky due to the lack of flour. And because they are in the grocery store, vs going to the health food store. And because they aren't expensive. A lot of gluten-free food is pretty expensive. There are several factors involved - testing, cleaning equipment, smaller batches, costly ingredients.

It's spiffy to find things that aren't expensive, taste good and are easy to find.

We like Waffles so much that we have a cat named Waffles. Our Waffles was actually named after Fern's cat Waffles, though. Fern doesn't have an accessible blog at the moment, but when he does, I'll link to it. He's one of the most important people in my life; the brother I now have, a best friend, and a confidant. As wonderful as Fern is, and while his cat is no doubt awesome, scientifically speaking, our Waffles has been determined to be the best cat on the planet.

Waffles:

• is incredibly empathetic and always comes and lays with us if we're not feeling well or could use some cheering up.
  
• sleeps with us, and is never too warm.
  
• lets the other kitties eat first.
  
• roars when he purrs.
  
• is huge, really long and muscular.
  
• defends other kitties against the scourge that is the dog.
• loves his mommy.
• has his own following on MySpace.
  

Waffles on the bed


More Waffles. Doesn't he have the sweetest face?

2. Name 3 things that is within your reach right now, excluding anything to do with your computer/laptop.

A water bottle, a lamp shaped like the Eiffel Tower, and my camera.

3. Do you hang laundry out on a line outside?

Rarely. I often hang it in the laundry room to dry. In Colorado, the air is so dry that even inside, clothes dry in a just few hours.

4. Loss of vision, ability to speak or hearing - which do you choose? (you have to choose one....)

I've already lost some hearing in my right ear due to a childhood injury, and I'd be ok with losing the rest. Well, not ok, but it would bother me less than the other two. I watch closed captioned TV and can read lips, so it wouldn't be much of a shock to lose my hearing, whereas I can't fathom losing my vision or the ability to speak.

5. On a scale from 1 - 10, how are your computer skills?

Well, compared to my husband, pretty poor. His skills go to eleven, as Nigel Tufnel(^) would say. But compared to your average user, probably about an 8 with PCs; a 6 with Macs; and maybe a 4 with Linux.

Tux, the Linux Mascot

This is the place where I tell you I intend to become more adept at Linux, like I always do. The truth is, it isn't Linux's fault - it's mine. Linux is not hard to learn at the user level, I'm just really busy with the SuperCat. I am at a point where I could use Linix 24/7 at the user level, but I would like to know a lot more and not have to rely on Dan for technical support.

On the plus side, I did dump Windows off my desktop machine, and my laptop now dual boots, so I am making measurable progress. Yay, progress.

6. Do you volunteer or donate to anything around the holidays?

I used to volunteer a lot, but haven't for a while, and am ok with that for the time being. My time is best utilized at home and probably will be for the foreseeable future. I will return to volunteering, eventually though, as I do miss it. We do donate to the ARC(^), which does a lot of good work.

7. If a person receives a DUI while in government office, should he lose his/her position?

I don't have enough information to make a decision.
Was the person elected, appointed or hired?
Does their job involve passing legislation involving drunk driving? Are they otherwise in a decision-making position?
Without more information, I can't answer.

Which totally brings us to MU!!!!! My friend Ben shared the concept of Mu a couple of weeks ago, and I was delighted to read about it.

Mu, where have you been all my life?

Mu (in Japan and Korea) or Wu (in Chinese) means "none", "without", and "no meaning". Mu is the answer to give when there is no correct answer possible or when there isn't enough information to give any answer at all. When "yes" and "no" are both wrong, "Mu" may be the answer.

Mu has a place in Buddhist philosophy as a kōan. A kōan is an often paradoxical question, story, riddle or statement that makes you think about things intuitively that may not be thinkable any other way.

These are kōans:

• what is the sound of one hand clapping?
• when you can do nothing, what can you do?
• what is the color of wind?
• If you have ice cream, I will give you some.
  If you don't have ice cream, I will take it away.
  That, of course, is the famous ice cream kōan by Jack Kerouac
  

Kōans may not have a obvious or single correct answer, which is where Mu comes in.

This is Mu:

marvel at the awesomeness of Mu

8. Do you take vitamins?

I administer vitamins in the form of Flintstones Chewables (now with Betty), and I take one occasionally, but generally no.

9. Do you wear fingernail polish?

My hands are too often in and around craft materials and water to have polished nails. I keep my nails clean but not polished since they'd chips too frequently to look neat for very long. My toenails are polished, though. Bright pink at the moment.

10. If every flower in the world only grew into one color, which color would you want?

The color of blue hydrangeas in the shade on a late summer afternoon. How's that for specific? I love hydrangeas and everything they represent - the bounty and beauty of summer flowers, and the languid warmth of late afternoons as the shadows grow. Hydrangeas made up the bulk of my bridal bouquet and I can't wait to grow them again.

Beautiful blue hydrangeas
Stock Photo from the morgueFile, image information found here(^)

I have a busy day of sewing ahead of me, and will try to post some pictures f my work later this evening.

Until then,

Namaste.
Current mood: (busy)

Way Too Many Onions! French Onion Soup

I accidentally bought a 10 pound bag of onions last week, not realizing that I already had a nearly full 10 pound bag, giving us close to 20 pounds of onion-y goodness.

Sad vintage ceramic onion full of Splenda on my stovetop

We use a lot of onions, but 20 pounds is a bit much to have on hand in cold-weather months, when the house is heated. Without a cool storage place onions can go bad quickly.

In an valiant effort to save the onions from certain ruination, I made French Onion Soup yesterday afternoon. I don't have an exact recipe, but honestly don't think it needs one. It is delicious and worth the minimal effort it takes. The hardest part is slicing the onions. I use a crock pot, so it probably does take a bit longer than doing it in an open pan, but again, that's not a bad thing. Slow cooking allows the soup a chance for the flavors to meld and mix, adding to the end result.

Way Too Many Onions! French Onion Soup Recipe

• Yellow or white onions, sliced very thinly, about 4 pounds.
• Dry Sherry, about ½ cup
• butter or margarine, ½ cup. I use butter. You should use what you prefer.
• minced garlic, about 2 tablespoons. You can mince your own, or use the stuff in jars. I use the stuff in jars. We really like garlic, so this may be too much for your family. Adjust accordingly.
• pepper, to taste
• grains of paradise (Aframomum melegueta ^) to taste. Widely-used in medieval Europe, this spice is peppery, but is not actually pepper. If you don't have any, use more pepper. Or not. Lots of people don't like as much pepper as we do, and there is almost no shame in that at all.
• beef and/or chicken broth, 2 quarts. Either is good, neither are shown in the picture below. I use gluten-free, which is easy to find if you read labels.
• Better Than Broth beef soup base. Or chicken. Use the one you like best. Concentrated broth, this is pretty salty. I start with 2 teaspoons or so, and adjust up until the flavor is right. You could use bouillon cubes instead, but the BTB(^) tastes better to me - more meat flavor. I have found it at Target and Wal*Mart in the grocery dept on the same shelf as bouillon cubes. It comes in jars.
  
• white cheese, sliced or grated. I use Swiss or Gruyère, others use Provolone or whatever else they like. I can't give an exact amount, because we don't eat all of the soup at one time. Basically, you want enough to cover the top of the soup in individual oven proof bowls. If you don't have oven-proof bowls, use micro-wave safe bowls, top the soup and nuke the bowls until the cheese is melted. This would be under a minute (perhaps 45 seconds) in my 1000 watt microwave.
  
• bread. I don't use bread in my soup, because we don't eat gluten. Instead, I serve it with GF bread sticks. If I added GF bread, it would go mushy. If gluten isn't an issue, lightly toast bread slices, one for every serving of soup and reserve.
• dried Parmesan cheese, optional. I sometimes add a sprinkle at the end before the cheese goes under the broiler.
  

Some of the ingredients for French Onion Soup
(vintage onion jar for effect - no kitschy ceramics in the actual soup)

Directions:

1). Thinly slice enough onions to fill your crock pot:

thinly sliced onions & butter

I use a large 6-quart crock pot and make a huge batch, but know that we'll eat it over the next few days plain with bread and a salad; in place of au jus with sandwiches; cooked down and thickened to use in pot pie or shepherd's pie, etc. It won't go to waste.

If your crock pot is smaller, adjust accordingly. If you don't have a crock pot, this will take less time, but require more monitoring.

It takes about 4 pounds of onions (yellow and/or white) sliced thinly, to fill my crock pot.

2). Add ½ cup (1 stick) butter or margarine, sliced into 8 pieces or so on top of the onion slices.

Thinly sliced onions with butter pats on top. This is my 6-quart crock pot.

3). Turn the crock pot to low, put the lid on, and check frequently at first to be sure that low isn't too high (mine has warm, low and high as options). Crock pot performance varies, so check if you aren't familiar with how your pot works. It takes several hours for the onions to go limp, then eventually become clear and then begin to caramelize. If the onions are crispy or charred at all, the temperature is too high.
After about 90 minutes in my crock pot, the butter had mostly melted and the the onions had wilted a bit, well on their way to caramelized yumminess:

After 90 minutes, the onions are wilting and the butter is mostly melted.

4). After the onions have cooked clear and are beginning to caramelize, which in my pot takes about 5 hours, add the garlic, sherry, Better than Broth, and broth.

Nearly-finished soup

5). Carefully raise the heat and cook for another hour or so, until the soup has reduced a bit. Check frequently to assure that the pot isn't over-heating the soup. I don't allow it to come to a full boil, but do allow it to come to a simmer, so that it begins to slowly reduce.

6). Season with pepper and grains of paradise (if desired).

Four pounds is a lot of onions, isn't it?

7). Ladle soup into oven proof bowls, add a slice of toasted bread (of your choice - if I could eat "regular" bread, I'd use a French baguette).

8). Top with cheese of your choice, and set bowls under the broiler for a few minutes until the cheese begins to bubble a bit.

9). Immediately remove bowls from oven, and carefully set on individual small plates to serve (because they will be very hot!!!

10). Serve with a hunk of French bread, bread sticks, or with crackers. I usually serve it with a small salad and fruit.

Dan eating delicious French Onion soup. Yummy!

Yay, he likes it!

Allez cuisine!

Helpful Hints:

• I don't have a fail-proof trick to stop the tears you may shed from cutting lots of onions, but not cutting the root end off until I have to seems to help, as does slicing near a faucet with warm water running. YMMV, of course.
• Don't use cooking sherry, as it's often salted so you can't drink it. It is sold in the grocery store vs the liquor store, so it's salted so as to be undrinkable. Buy the liquor store version instead as it's much cheaper and doesn't taste like the Dead Sea.
• Be safe. Check your crock pot often until you are familiar with the way it works. My _Low may be your ^High.
• If you feel like there is too much fat in the recipe, chilling the completed soup and skimming the solidified butter from the top is an easy way to fix it. Also, low-fat Swiss is a great choice for the cheese.
  

Finally, this is my stove top. It's a closed top stove, and I ♥ it! Easy to clean, with even heat that reaches temperature quickly. I'd probably love a gas stove a bit better; maybe in the next house.

The usual suspects

I rarely ever use the back burners, even though I cook a lot. I just never seem to need it.

Friar Cookie Jar detail. He looks sneaky, don't you think?

The unused back burners hold my three favorite cookie jars, a Twin Winton Lamb cookie jar, a Friar cookie jar (I don't know his manufacturer) , and a McCoy Cookies Barrel cookie jar. Plus the sad onion guy, and usually a set of salt and pepper shakers.

Namaste.

Current mood: (hungry)